When I die, will I be angry?

When I die, will I be angry,
Angry at myself for wasting my life?
Or will I understand that I did the very best I ever could.

The constant push and pull,
It won’t ever stop.
The back and forth,
The relentless tug.
To drown or to fly,
As if I have a choice.

I fought the push and pull,
I fought the back and forth.
I fought against the relentless tug,
Screaming and fighting to stay ashore.
Head above water, feet on the ground.

But I floated away, I sank in the sand
I ended up nowhere, and nowhere’s where I am.

When I die will I understand, I did my best, I tried my best.
But you can’t grasp the ocean and you can’t cling to the sand.

When I Die, Will I Be Angry?- A Poem


I’m not hungry anymore,
At the beginning I was.
It was hard,
To cut all that food.
To go from bingeing to restricting,
From endless to limiting.

The exercise is easy,
Compulsive, obsessive.
I like the exercise,
I can feel the weight leaving.

I weigh myself again,
for the 20th time today.
It makes me feel control,
It makes me feel calm.

I don’t think about food that much anymore,
I don’t need it.
I can run on adrenaline,
And thoughts of being thin.

My Bad Choice of Diet + Poem

It’s Me, You See

Please don’t see me,

Leave me in the corner,
Away from view.
Away from fear,
Away from you.

Don’t let me out,
I’m scared,
I’ll run.

Don’t let me out,
I can’t,
I won’t,
I promise I’ll drown.

I don’t know how to swim.
I can barely breathe.
I struggle to remain standing.
Maybe best I crawl.

It’s me now you see.
Now look at me.
It’s me, it’s me, it’s me.

But you can’t see.
Not anymore.
So let me go,
I’ll run and you’ll see me no more.

Poem- It’s Me, You See

Back Again

It’s heavy, black,
Calling me.
Letting me know that it’s back,
Ready to swallow me again.

I stand so still.
Trying not to breathe.
Maybe it won’t see me if I just stand here.
I stand so still.

I shiver in the cold,
It’s heavy, it’s weighing me down.
I resist.
I fight.
I yell.
No one hears me yell.

So I scream.
I scream because it’s consuming me.
I scream because I’m terrified.
I scream because it
I scream because I’ve been here before,
Again and again and again.

I may aswell get comfortable,
I’ve a lot of fighting to do.
I think I might be here a while.

Back Again


Can you feel it?
The spinning?
It’s never going to stop.
I hope you know,
I hope you weren’t expecting so.

Isn’t it terrifying,
The spinning.
Close your eyes and feel it.
Feel it grab your self and tear it apart, rip it to shreds.
You didn’t need it my friend, my friend.

Stay for the ride,
Where else you gonna go?
To find your self?
Oh my friend, my friend.

Pieces and pieces and pieces and pieces.
It lay everywhere,
And you’re not to stop spinning.
You’ll forever be spinning and your self is on the ground,
In pieces and pieces and pieces and pieces.

Oh my friend, my friend,
Did you expect any less?
But don’t worry,
It will in fact stop.
You can pick up your pieces.
Fix yourself.


I Fucking Hate You

I wished that you were dead, but then I learnt you suffer more,
By being here alive, waking day and day and being here forevemore.
I’m really glad you suffer, I’m not gonna lie.
Thinking about you suffering, makes my smile come by and by.

The damage that you caused, will never go away.
I’m permanently fucked up, and part of that’s on you.
Everytime I eat, I remember what you said,
‘You’re fat, you’re disgusting, don’t you eat like that, what’s wrong with you?’

Never will I see myself as anything other than what I was told.
Negative sticks while positive goes.
I’ll never be able to eat without knowing how fat I am.
I’ll never be able to eat without feeling sick with myself.
I’ll never be able to look in the mirror and see myself as beautiful.
I’ll never be able to try on clothes without crying in the change room.
I’ll forever be running because it will never, ever be enough.

You did that. I hope you’re proud. But, you probably don’t even remember. I do, I fucking remember.

I know we have in common, a sickness that won’t shake.
But honestly that’s it, we are not anything else but hate.
I thought about forgiving you, I tried and tried and tried.
But you know what? Fuck you. I fucking hate you.

I Fucking Hate You

Take The Pain

Take the pain,
Drown it in pills.
Feel the warmth,
As you lay down to die.

Scream and cry,
As you wake up and then….
Feel like a failure again and again.

Take the pain,
Cut your skin.
Take the pain,
And hide it away.

Don’t let them see it,
The cuts, the bruises, the empty bottles.
Bury them, hide them, cover them over.

Take the pain.
The pills.
The scars.
The bruises.
Take it and say ‘I am stronger than you, I’ll beat you I will, I will, I will.’



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