To My Dear Husband, I’m Sorry

To my dear husband,

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry that when we were dating, when we were engaged, when we got married, that I didn’t know just how bad my illness was. I’m sorry that I didn’t prepare you for this. Despite my history, I wasn’t prepared either.

I’m sorry that I’m not very affectionate. But that’s my fault and not yours. I hide my feelings away; I bury them deep down so that they cannot be found. When you try to hold my hand and I move mine away, it’s not because I don’t love you. It’s because there’s a whole lot of feelings involved in that and I just can’t handle it. Mentally, I just can’t handle that. I shoved all of my feelings away remember, bringing them back up is a dangerous and difficult thing. But it is getting easier, my medication is helping with that.

I’m sorry that you have to live wondering, if or when I’m going to kill myself. But just know, I stay alive because of you. Because of you I seek help when I really don’t want to, when I really just want to die. I don’t kill myself because no matter how shit I feel, the thought of leaving you alone is worse. If it weren’t for you though, I would probably not be here right now.

I’m sorry that I often cry and break down but there’s really not a lot that you can do for me when this happens. Just hug me and stay with me until it stops. I’m also sorry that you have to deal with all of my anger and irritability. That’s not fair on you and I try so hard to keep it under control.

I’m sorry that when I’m manic I want to do everything but when I’m depressed I don’t want to do anything. I’m sorry that my mood swings come with no warning.

I’m sorry that I’ve been spending so much time in hospital, about three months in a year. But thank you for always visiting me and bringing me snacks and things. I always looked forward to your visits. They made the hospital stays easier for me.

Now, after all of the apologising, I want to say how thankful I am, for you. I want to say thank you.

Thank you for helping me through.

Thank you for trying to understand even when I can’t explain it to you.

Thank you for standing by me through all of the shit.

Thank you for loving me.

But most of all, thank you for not giving up on me.

I love you, I really do.

Always,
Meghan Xxx

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One thought on “To My Dear Husband, I’m Sorry

  1. Could it be you were filled with love and wonder? Or hope. I won’t touch Faith. It sustains me, an unbeliever. I have it. Strange. I have a daily reminder … My wife’s diligence. Her acceptance. Her hope too. I let her know. I was older with a 12+ year failed marriage and some other long term relationships (5 years) in my wake.

    I don’t know who I was a year ago. How can I apologize for something nearly 15 years ago? 5 years ago? Last year?

    How can you? You can only be how you are today – tomorrow … it starts then. Yesterday has been gone … much of it a long time.