Ever since I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, I’ve been questioning everything that I do. And hey, it’s kind of understandable. You might too if you realized that you were manic so many times without even realizing it. Yesterday I made muffin tops. I hate baking and cooking. As I watched the muffin tops bake, I questioned whether or not it was a manic thing for me to be doing. Every time my mood rises or I do something out of the ordinary, my first reaction is, ‘fuck, am I getting manic?’.
I don’t feel like I can trust the things that I do or the decisions that I make. Every time I have a rough day and get down, I worry that the depression is starting again. But maybe it was just a bad day. Maybe I’m not crying because I’m depressed, maybe something bad happened that made me cry. When I start spending money or start a new hobby, I worry that I’m getting manic again. There’s always that fear there. But maybe I just wanted a new hobby and it will end there. And just because I spent some money, doesn’t mean that it’s going to lead to a manic spending spree. I often forget that some emotions are normal, sometimes it’s okay to laugh or cry and it’s not signaling a down fall or upswing into an episode.
A couple of weeks ago I decided that I wanted to paint. I painted one thing before I was over it. But I was not manic and did not get manic. I bought a book online. But I was not manic and did not get manic. I spend a lot of time wishing that I was dead but I’m not particularly depressed and I have not tried to kill myself. It’s controllable.
I’m slowly learning that it’s possible to feel things and do things without it being a manic or depressive episode. Sometimes there’s an in between. Not everything is going to lead to hell. Sometimes my mood is just flat and there is no sway back and forth. I can have energy without being manic and I can wish that I was dead without being depressed.