When You Can’t Trust Your Own Thoughts

I’m an adult now and I’m still afraid of the dark. Last night I couldn’t sleep for the longest time because there is something living in my bathroom. I saw my doctor today and he told me that there is nothing living in my bathroom. I’m not convinced but, we’ll see. It only comes out at night. I slept on my back and on my right side all night because I was scared that something would come up behind me. I’m still scared that something will come up behind me. I’m always scared that there is something behind me. I didn’t see what was living in my bathroom but I could feel it there. The tingling down my spine, the sweat from the fear. My thoughts can turn into such monstrous things.

A lot of times I’m afraid of something following me. Especially when I’m alone. I don’t know who it is, just that it’s a shadow. A black shadow. Whenever I turn around it runs and hides around the corner or behind furniture. Then there’s what doctors like to call ‘radio noise’. It can be really difficult sometimes to differentiate between what’s in my head and what is an actual voice or noise. This happens a lot at night. It also happens a lot when I go out. Which is one of the reasons why I don’t like to go out. Noise from my head plus noise from the surrounding people is just too much. This is why I don’t like to go places that have a lot of people. I make my doctors appointments in the morning because there’s less people at the clinic than there is in the afternoon. I don’t like to go anywhere that’s very busy.

Sometimes it can be really difficult to notice when something is wrong. Even when I’ve stabilized it’s a little iffy. Today my doctor asked me why I think that there’s something living in my bathroom at night. I said it’s because I can feel it there. He told me that it’s not real. I know that it’s not real. But I still feel it there. I don’t know how else to explain it. I know that it’s not real, but I still think that it’s real.

I will admit though that it is easier to identify now than it was when I was a child or a teenager. As a child I thought that it was all real. It never occurred to me that it wasn’t. As a teenager I was a little more aware but still neglected to tell my doctor a lot of what was going on in my head. I took myself to the hospital recently because I was suicidal. Most of the suicidal feelings turned out to be from psychosis.

I find it scary to realise that I can’t trust my own thoughts sometimes. Even when I know something is false, I still believe it to be true. When I was in hospital last I truly believed that I was living inside of my own head. They had me explain every detail of what I believed to be true. Even know, I’m out of my head but I still believe that I was living in it. It’s really only recently that I’ve begun to understand the true extent of my hallucinations. It’s been happening just about my whole life. It’s scary, but at the same time, I’ve been living with it for this long, I can keep on living with it now. Because I’m fucking amazing.

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