Bipolar disorder is devastating, we know that already. What I find particularly awful though is the crash. We don’t always see it coming, we have to train ourselves to recognize it. This can take a long time, especially as we don’t always know that we’re manic until it’s full-blown mania. When we’re manic we think that we’re fine, fantastic, great, amazing, unstoppable. And then it comes. When we feel invincible. We fall. And from such great, euphoric heights. It’s devastating.
For me there are two particularly dangerous times when it comes to how likely I am to kill myself. First, mixed episodes, that is, being depressed and manic at the same time. Second, the crash. Too many times to count, I’ve woken up crying uncontrollably, wanting to kill myself. And when I say crying uncontrollably, I mean that I literally cannot stop. This is what happens when I crash. It’s like falling through the sky and into hell. The day before I was either flying as high as a kite or languishing in psychosis. I never can tell what the next day brings.
This is the reason why I hate mania just as much as depression. Because I know that at some point in time it has to end and it just gets worse and worse and worse every time. When I become aware that I’m manic is when I start to panic. I become terrified that I will lose everything I have gained via my manic energy and work ethic. The irony is though, once I start to panic like this, is usually when everything starts to go to shit.
Bipolar is a bitch. You don’t get any warnings about how your going to feel or what kind of episode you’re going into next. Is it too much to ask for a warning? A simple email would suffice……
Tomorrow you will wake up crying which will slowly progress to auditory hallucinations by the early evening.
All the best,