Maybe you didn’t notice it at first. Maybe it came on so gradually. Just a bit at first, sleeping later or not at all, disinterest in everything, not showering and not caring. But then one day, all of a sudden, you don’t want to live anymore. And it will either be incredibly painful or you’ll feel completely numb. I still don’t know what’s worse. With the pain comes a lot of tears, a lot of tears. But with being numb comes indifference, and uncaring. Either way we end up in a terrible position. A position where we want to die, to kill ourselves, to never wake up another day. It is here especially where it becomes important to reach out and seek help.
Asking for help or telling someone is hard, it’s really hard. You don’t always know how they’re going to react. Maybe they’ll be indifferent, maybe they’ll tell you to just cheer up and get over it, maybe they’ll send you off to hospital. And then you don’t want to hurt anyone either. I hate telling people that I’m suicidal because I don’t want to hurt them, I don’t want them to deal with my hurt, my burden. So a lot of the time I just say nothing until it gets really bad and that’s not always the best idea. But there are other people out there, people that won’t be hurt by you telling them that you’re suicidal.
I’m talking about phone lines. I, personally, am a frequent caller to Life Line Australia when I’m in times of crisis. They also have a message line so if I don’t feel like talking I can message them instead. And they’re wonderful. Once they’ve ascertained that you’re not a danger to yourself they are ever so supportive and listen and offer advice. They never interrupt, they always let you speak. They’re a good support when I’m too ashamed of myself to tell anyone else.
But when I do tell other people I whisper about it. I utter it under my breath. Until I’m sure that they’re not going to judge me. Until I’m sure that they’re going to be supportive of me. And then I speak louder.
It’s really important to speak up in some way if you are feeling suicidal. Keeping quiet can be dangerous. Sometimes you need help to bear the load that you have been given and there’s no shame in that. Tell your partner, parent, friend, or sibling. An if you can’t tell them than call or text a helpline. That’s what they’re there for, to help us. But please, reach out, ask for help.