I Can’t Live in Fear Forever

Having Bipolar Disorder it’s sometimes hard to trust our decisions. Like am I making this decision because I’m getting manic? Am I manic? Sometimes it’s really hard to know.

I made a really important life decision in the last few days (which I’m not going to reveal because hey, what if I change my mind). This decision means that I’m going to have to go back to school to study which is really scary for two reasons…..
1. Because I’m a high school drop out, I haven’t studied in 12 years. Fuck me, that’s a long time when I think about it.
2. Because what happens if my illness interferes with it? What if I’m not stable enough? What if I’ll never be stable enough?

But despite my fears I’ve decided not to let it hold me back. Because it’s not the first time I’ve considered this career choice. But also because I can’t keep not doing things because I’m afraid. So what if I fail? At least I can say I damn well tried. I’m not going to keep living my life in fear, in fear of my illness and what might happen, what probably will happen. I probably will end up hospitalised again but hey, I’ll deal with that when it happens. All I can do to stay well enough is keep in contact with all of my treatment team and deal with shit as it comes up.

For the first time in a long time I’m excited to think about the future. I’m suicidal, yes, but I feel optimistic. The next few years are going to be tough but you know what? I got this.

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