The Crying

For me the crying is the worst. When I’m depressed I can fake it pretty well. I can smile and fake happy. I can get by doing the bare minimum house work and cooking etc. I can go for walks and get the groceries. I can go to writing groups and be social. But once the crying starts its game over. I can’t function. I sit and stare at a blank TV screen for hours with silent tears streaming down my face. Or I burst into screaming tears that last for ages as soon as my Mum leaves my house. Which I fail at satisfactorily controlling when she calls me ten minutes later. Once the crying starts it’s game over. I can’t hide that shit.

I went to see the emergency doctor a few nights ago, partly because I was having an anxiety attack but also partly because I was with some of my family and I would rather breakdown in tears in front of a doctor than in front of my family. And that’s nothing against my family, I just don’t want them to see me like this. Would you? I dunno, maybe you’re a better person than I am.  Anyway I went to the doctor and they told me to take more Ativan. Problem solved. Until the next day when it started all over again.

And it just won’t stop. And my poor husband has to deal with it all. All of it. All of the sudden I just burst into tears. Out of nowhere at any time. He keeps asking how he can fix it or what he can do but truthfully there’s nothing that he or anyone can do. It’s beyond help at this stage. I just have to ride it out I guess. Even writing this is making me cry.

I’m afraid to leave my house. I’m afraid to go to certain appointments and I’m afraid to talk to people because I’m afraid that I’m just going to burst into tears. I have to see my case worker tomorrow and I’m afraid that all I’m going to do is cry. It’s Unpredictable and it’s uncontrollable.

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2 thoughts on “The Crying

  1. I tend to cry without warning when I’m depressed or agitated by something. Sometimes I can hold it in until I’m alone, other times no. Fortunately, my wife handles it very well, and I don’t think it bothers her in any way other than worry about my illness. I don’t have anyone else I regularly see that I’m comfortable crying in front of.

    Thanks for the post, it helps to see that I’m not alone.