Living with Bipolar Disorder can be terrifying. Because you just don’t know when you’re mood is going to flip. I could be depressed, sleeping 16 hours a day, not showering, I don’t care how I look. Feeling useless and hopeless, maybe even suicidal and thoughts of self harm. But then my mood will flip, seemingly out of nowhere. I won’t sleep anymore, ever, no more sleep. I become obsessed with things like cleanliness and frantically run around cleaning my apartment. I go shopping, a lot, and spend a lot of money. I start showering and wearing makeup again. I start to care about how I look. I become obsessed with new hobbies that I give up on just as soon as I’ve started, I need to move onto the next thing. Then there’s the voices people yelling at you, yelling your name. People talking about you in cafes and in malls. Anywhere there’s people really. The mania is real.
I try so hard to prepare myself for mood flips but it’s just so hard. I’ll write lists and lists of things that I’m not allowed to do when I’m manic in the hope that I’ll read it and make sense of it. I don’t, I just go on my manic merry way. To prepare for depression I try to make myself get out of bed. I set literally 20 alarms at 15 minute intervals. It doesn’t work, I just hit snooze every time one goes. I try to prepare but it just doesn’t seem to work and it makes me feel even more out of control.
That’s another terrifying thing about Bipolar disorder, the lack of control. I’m not saying that you can’t have control but often we lose it and it’s very hard to get back. The only control I feel like I have a lot of the time is the control of taking my meds. At least I’m trying.
And then there’s the co morbid disorders that a lot of us seem to have. Because we can’t just have Bipolar, no, we need to have fifty other problems as well. To the powers that be, thank you, thank you very much.
Bipolar is a beast. Mental illness is a beast. It can ruin you, it can run your life, it can consume you. But you know what? Fuck you Bipolar. Fuck you Borderline Personality Disorder. Fuck you Eating Disorder. Fuck you Generalised Anxiety Disorder. Fuck alcoholism and drug addiction. Just….fuck you.