What do I want in life? What does anybody want in life? People they want family and babies. They want expensive cars and houses, high powered careers. They want everything life could possibly give them. These normal people. But what do I want?
In group last week they gave us all a picture of a bus and told us to draw our primary emotions on them, what was driving us. Mine were Mania, Anxiety, and Depression. That really says a lot. That I let these emotions, phases, run my life. So what do I want?
I want stability. That ever illusive stability. The thing that seems always beyond my reach. I also want acceptance from myself. I’ve made peace with Bipolar, I’ve accepted the Borderline Personality Disorder and Anxiety. But the Eating Disorder, not so much. I still have a long way to go there in terms of accepting my eating disorder. I also want control, but in a healthy way. I want control over my symptoms. I don’t want to feel out of control when I’m manic. I don’t want to feel like I can’t get out of bed when I’m depressed.
The things that I want aren’t your average everyday things. I have a chronic mental illness with all of its comorbid add ons. Having a chronic illness changes your life in ways that you could never imagine. I avoid heights because I’m afraid that I’ll jump. I can’t have diet pills in the house because I’m afraid I’ll relapse. I’ve been committed to hospital eight times. It severely impacts your life, living with a chronic illness.
Overall, after everything, I just want to feel at peace. I just want it all to stop. The mania, the depressions, the anxiety and anxiety attacks, the eating disorder and borderline. I just want it all to stop, is that really so much to ask? That’s what I really want in life.